EffEmmmElll

i should write .. i know that  i should. but all i want to do is cry. i took 4 tylenol pm and still cant sleep. i want to die. i feel like i have no one. like i really do. my life is bullshit. seriously .. dont read this. because its just me complaing about my life. i'm a whining little bitch. i'm so fat. i've never weighed this much in my life. UGH FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE KIDDD.

Dream From Last Night

     Ahhh. I keep dreaming about E even though he's a douchebagel.
     Last night I had a dream about being in school. I was in my AP Bio class. We were in a weird room in my school. It wasn't any room that actually existed. It started that I was talking to my teacher. I don't remember what about. Then I started freaking out. Today, April 18th, I'm supposed to see if I can hang out with one of my friends and then my aunt is picking me up at 11AM. In my dream, I was freaking out. I was like "How is Auntie gunna pick me up? I'm in school!" Then I was like "I forgot to hangout with J! It's too late now!" Throughout the dream, I kept checking the time; I'm not sure why. I ended up realizing that I'm on spring break, so I shouldn't be in school. Then I just figured I was dreaming and I'd wake up any minute..
     Now to the meat of the dream. So, in my Bio class we were supposed to be making posters of things that we know about different subjects. [We never do that in that class] I really just didn't want to do it. My teacher offered me some candy and colorful cereal, so instead I ate that. I ended up sitting next to E. He was actually doing his work. He was trying to tell me about how he had done something really great. However, this is when I realized that Auntie was supposed to come get me and I started freaking out and he thought that I didn't appreciate what he had done or something. I felt embarrassed for not listening and I walked away. I decided to follow my friend, M, as she did her work. We walked around to the other posters. Some random chick walked into the room and asked if she could have some cereal, but I wouldn't let her. Then I bumped into E again. He ran up to me and gave me a huge hug and I felt so damn happy and it  was wonderful. <3 Then I woke up.

Good vs. Evil

     The other day I was asked a question. “Is there a need for both good and evil?” A lot of people said no. They thought that there was only a need for good. At first, I thought the same thing. I mean, who really wants bad things in their life? Not me. But after giving the question some thought, and discussing it with one of my colleagues, I had a different view. I realized something. How can you have a world full of good if there is not evil to compare it to? A complete world of good would have its range of goodness from Very Good to Just Alright. Eventually they would transform into their own scale of good and evil. These people who want a world full of only good are working towards something unachievable. I’m not saying that their work is pointless; the world can always be improved. I have learned that there will always be bad times in life, and rather than run and hide from them, I’d like to accept them and not let them get to me. I just have to know that if evil lurks, then surely goodness does too.

Balance?

     So, I've decided something. I'm going to start to take my life day by day. Everyone always tells me to make goals and to plan ahead. Look where that has gotten me. The future really scares me. I'm not ready for it. Every time I think about my future, I break down. I think that the best thing for me right now is to just live for today. I'm not exactly living for the moment, because that leads to recklessness. All of this is one giant effort for me to find true happiness. I'm trying to find balance.

What Now Bitch?

     I just want to laugh, really. You thought you could play me? You thought you could trick me? Dearie, I'd actually have to give a fuckk for that to work. Normally you'd expect tears. But you can't break a heart that's already broken. I never loved you, so your scheme didn't really work. I just feel bad for the other girl .. because she does love you.
     Never fucking lie to me again ..

Bacardi&Cigarettes

“I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person.”

So last night was one of the best nights of my life. It was fantastic. Do you remember my post If I Had it My Way? And I said "If I had it my way, we'd be laying next to each other, chilling to some lil wayne and drake, puffing on cigs, and just relaxing. And it would be a damn good time." Yeah well .. I got my way.
It started when my parents went away and I made up a super stealth plan so that I wouldn't have to stay at my granparents house. And this guy that I like, we'll call him E, wanted to chill Saturday night. So saturday night rolls around and I had the house to myself and he texts me asking to hang out. He said there wasn't any parties or anything going on so I was all like "I got a house to myself and a full bottle of Bacardi" and he said "And I got some Captains!"
So E came over and at first he was all like "we need some activities" so we're sipping on captain morgan's and trying to think of stuff to do. We ended up just talking and smoking cigs and listening to music and getting really drunk. And uh, so then I was really drunk and he wasn't that drunk but he kissed me. (: And we started making out. But he wasn't an asshole. He didn't try to take advantage of me. He told me that we weren't gunna go father than kissing because he wanted to take things slow. And oh God. Our first kiss was to a song that always reminds me of him. The Best I Ever Had by Drake. Good shit right there.
So then I kept getting drunker and drunker until we were talking at one point and I could not understand anything he was saying. And I told him. And I was like "Don't let me drink anymore!" So he smoked like 8 of my cigarettes and I shared one. Lol. And then we made out more and idk it was fun. And then I drank more and wanted to throw up, but he got my through that. And everytime I would try and move I'd fall over and he'd help me get back up and make sure I didn't fall again.
Then it was about 4:30AM and he was starting to fall asleep so I yelled at him and I was like "wakkkeee upp!!" So we took a walk, down my street, in the dark. It was cute. We walked to this lake at the end of my street and layed down on a picnick table together. Then we walked back to my house.
By then is was already 5AM and he needed to leave at 10 so we both crawled into my bed. [Except first he smoked a cigarette and now my sheets smell like cigs so bad and I can't get it out.] And he was all like "I'm gunna snuggle with you." And so I got to fall asleep in his arms and wake up in his arms too. I fell asleep around 7AM and we both woke up at 8. We cuddled and talked for a while. And kissed. And I loved it. And it was just such an amazing night. <3 At 10 he was just like "I really wish I didn't have to leave." GodDamn. It was great.
And then I had the hangover from hell. (:<3

Blahhh I like you!!

     And to think that I almost forgot how this feels.
     You make me smile. And when I say smile, I don't mean a little half-assed grin; I mean full out, all teeth bearing, smile. And the best part about it is that you don't even have to be with more, or even talking to me. All I have to do is think about you.
     You give me butterflies. Except it doesn't feel like butterflies fluttering in my stomach. It feels like a stampede of rhinos running through my gut. You make me so nervous. You are such an amazing person that I'm constantly afraid that I'm going to mess everything up. But at the end of the day you reassure me that I'm doing just fine.
     You amaze me with how much you care. You hit me up just to make sure I'm doing okay. You talk to me until you fall asleep. You hugged me in front of my whole family, because you knew I was falling apart.
     It's been two years since I've felt this way about someone. And you're brought that feeling back. You're brought my smile back. You've brought my love back. Because, Hell, I really like you. (:<3