EffEmmmElll

i should write .. i know that  i should. but all i want to do is cry. i took 4 tylenol pm and still cant sleep. i want to die. i feel like i have no one. like i really do. my life is bullshit. seriously .. dont read this. because its just me complaing about my life. i'm a whining little bitch. i'm so fat. i've never weighed this much in my life. UGH FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE KIDDD.

Dream From Last Night

     Ahhh. I keep dreaming about E even though he's a douchebagel.
     Last night I had a dream about being in school. I was in my AP Bio class. We were in a weird room in my school. It wasn't any room that actually existed. It started that I was talking to my teacher. I don't remember what about. Then I started freaking out. Today, April 18th, I'm supposed to see if I can hang out with one of my friends and then my aunt is picking me up at 11AM. In my dream, I was freaking out. I was like "How is Auntie gunna pick me up? I'm in school!" Then I was like "I forgot to hangout with J! It's too late now!" Throughout the dream, I kept checking the time; I'm not sure why. I ended up realizing that I'm on spring break, so I shouldn't be in school. Then I just figured I was dreaming and I'd wake up any minute..
     Now to the meat of the dream. So, in my Bio class we were supposed to be making posters of things that we know about different subjects. [We never do that in that class] I really just didn't want to do it. My teacher offered me some candy and colorful cereal, so instead I ate that. I ended up sitting next to E. He was actually doing his work. He was trying to tell me about how he had done something really great. However, this is when I realized that Auntie was supposed to come get me and I started freaking out and he thought that I didn't appreciate what he had done or something. I felt embarrassed for not listening and I walked away. I decided to follow my friend, M, as she did her work. We walked around to the other posters. Some random chick walked into the room and asked if she could have some cereal, but I wouldn't let her. Then I bumped into E again. He ran up to me and gave me a huge hug and I felt so damn happy and it  was wonderful. <3 Then I woke up.

Good vs. Evil

     The other day I was asked a question. “Is there a need for both good and evil?” A lot of people said no. They thought that there was only a need for good. At first, I thought the same thing. I mean, who really wants bad things in their life? Not me. But after giving the question some thought, and discussing it with one of my colleagues, I had a different view. I realized something. How can you have a world full of good if there is not evil to compare it to? A complete world of good would have its range of goodness from Very Good to Just Alright. Eventually they would transform into their own scale of good and evil. These people who want a world full of only good are working towards something unachievable. I’m not saying that their work is pointless; the world can always be improved. I have learned that there will always be bad times in life, and rather than run and hide from them, I’d like to accept them and not let them get to me. I just have to know that if evil lurks, then surely goodness does too.

Balance?

     So, I've decided something. I'm going to start to take my life day by day. Everyone always tells me to make goals and to plan ahead. Look where that has gotten me. The future really scares me. I'm not ready for it. Every time I think about my future, I break down. I think that the best thing for me right now is to just live for today. I'm not exactly living for the moment, because that leads to recklessness. All of this is one giant effort for me to find true happiness. I'm trying to find balance.

What Now Bitch?

     I just want to laugh, really. You thought you could play me? You thought you could trick me? Dearie, I'd actually have to give a fuckk for that to work. Normally you'd expect tears. But you can't break a heart that's already broken. I never loved you, so your scheme didn't really work. I just feel bad for the other girl .. because she does love you.
     Never fucking lie to me again ..

Bacardi&Cigarettes

“I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person.”

So last night was one of the best nights of my life. It was fantastic. Do you remember my post If I Had it My Way? And I said "If I had it my way, we'd be laying next to each other, chilling to some lil wayne and drake, puffing on cigs, and just relaxing. And it would be a damn good time." Yeah well .. I got my way.
It started when my parents went away and I made up a super stealth plan so that I wouldn't have to stay at my granparents house. And this guy that I like, we'll call him E, wanted to chill Saturday night. So saturday night rolls around and I had the house to myself and he texts me asking to hang out. He said there wasn't any parties or anything going on so I was all like "I got a house to myself and a full bottle of Bacardi" and he said "And I got some Captains!"
So E came over and at first he was all like "we need some activities" so we're sipping on captain morgan's and trying to think of stuff to do. We ended up just talking and smoking cigs and listening to music and getting really drunk. And uh, so then I was really drunk and he wasn't that drunk but he kissed me. (: And we started making out. But he wasn't an asshole. He didn't try to take advantage of me. He told me that we weren't gunna go father than kissing because he wanted to take things slow. And oh God. Our first kiss was to a song that always reminds me of him. The Best I Ever Had by Drake. Good shit right there.
So then I kept getting drunker and drunker until we were talking at one point and I could not understand anything he was saying. And I told him. And I was like "Don't let me drink anymore!" So he smoked like 8 of my cigarettes and I shared one. Lol. And then we made out more and idk it was fun. And then I drank more and wanted to throw up, but he got my through that. And everytime I would try and move I'd fall over and he'd help me get back up and make sure I didn't fall again.
Then it was about 4:30AM and he was starting to fall asleep so I yelled at him and I was like "wakkkeee upp!!" So we took a walk, down my street, in the dark. It was cute. We walked to this lake at the end of my street and layed down on a picnick table together. Then we walked back to my house.
By then is was already 5AM and he needed to leave at 10 so we both crawled into my bed. [Except first he smoked a cigarette and now my sheets smell like cigs so bad and I can't get it out.] And he was all like "I'm gunna snuggle with you." And so I got to fall asleep in his arms and wake up in his arms too. I fell asleep around 7AM and we both woke up at 8. We cuddled and talked for a while. And kissed. And I loved it. And it was just such an amazing night. <3 At 10 he was just like "I really wish I didn't have to leave." GodDamn. It was great.
And then I had the hangover from hell. (:<3

Blahhh I like you!!

     And to think that I almost forgot how this feels.
     You make me smile. And when I say smile, I don't mean a little half-assed grin; I mean full out, all teeth bearing, smile. And the best part about it is that you don't even have to be with more, or even talking to me. All I have to do is think about you.
     You give me butterflies. Except it doesn't feel like butterflies fluttering in my stomach. It feels like a stampede of rhinos running through my gut. You make me so nervous. You are such an amazing person that I'm constantly afraid that I'm going to mess everything up. But at the end of the day you reassure me that I'm doing just fine.
     You amaze me with how much you care. You hit me up just to make sure I'm doing okay. You talk to me until you fall asleep. You hugged me in front of my whole family, because you knew I was falling apart.
     It's been two years since I've felt this way about someone. And you're brought that feeling back. You're brought my smile back. You've brought my love back. Because, Hell, I really like you. (:<3

Always Remembered and Never Forgotten

I remember when you used to put blue eyeshadow on me and curl my hair before you went to bingo. I remember listening to Portuguese music in your kitchen. I remember how delicious you used to cook for me when Mom and Dad had to work late. And you'd make me ice cream sundaes and Paul would always get mad that we used his whipped cream. I remember walking around Brockton and trying to push the strollers. I remember climbing behind your garden and getting poison ivy all over me. I remember watching RugRats all the time because I didn't have cable at home. I remember when you used to give me all of Paula's hand-me-downs when she moved out. I remembered putting on plays in your garage. I remember taking all your pots and pans out of the cabinet and playing with them. I remember when your father would talk to me in Portuguese. I remember when you used to cut the crust off of my sandwich but no any one else's. I remember that we used to always say that you had gold hair and when you stopped dyeing it we said it wasn't grey, it was silver. I remember every Christmas eve i couldn't wait until be got to see you. And it seems like I just saw you, and now you're gone. Rest In Peace Sheshi. ♥ I'll always love you.

Living Unhealthy

Clicky

Wow. So, I am really unhealthy. I am disgustingly unhealthy. I barely eat anything. And if I do it's usually a binge so it's absolute shit food and it's nasty. I drink way too much than I should. Because I love feeling the blur of being drunk. I just started smoking and get this. First time I smoked I didn't even cough. Like, the fuck? My ex told me the first time he smoked he felt like he was dieing. I mean, yeah it hurts a little, but whatever .. Arg. I want a boyfriend so badly .. :p

"We can sit and reminisce about the old school, maybe share a cigarette because we both fools; chop it up and compare perspectives. Life, Love, Stress, and Set backs."

If I Had My Way ..

If I had it my way, we'd be laying next to each other, chilling to some lil wayne and drake, puffing on cigs, and just relaxing. And it would be a damn good time.
But no. I'm sitting at home, alone, tears in the back of my eyes, and I have no idea why! It just fucking hit me. It was anxiety yesterday and depression today and I don't know what to do. I'm so fucked up. I just want to be normal.

Tequila&Mt.Dew

Today. I started crying. I started crying and this is the thought that ran through my head ..

"I'm happy."

Holy motherfuckingfuck. I don't even remember the last time that I thought that. I was crying because I was fucking happy. Because I was readinf Jovan quotes and texting my friend and this hawtasfuck guy and I was .. fucking happy. Now I know, that this is probably temporary, but I thought it. A genuine thought. Yess. Oh and I lost three pounds in one day, so it makes up for the one pound that I gained over vacation. Getting back on track babbby<3



I'm Gunna Marry James Newman

So, I'm a loser and got mono. Which sucked. But I'm back now and I'm alive.
All my "friends" are being bitches and I'm getting really sick of it. I think I need to find some new people to hang around. So, I'm working on that. This is my prime in life anyways, right? I should be getting recklesss.
I gained a pound. Ew gross nasty. I know. I'm working on it.
I ... I finally like a guy. And he's not complete bum. And he's nice. And he likes me. And he makes me smile. And he gives me butterflies. And ... I think we would make a pretty sweeet couple.
Skins was so depressing tonight. [Yess, US version on MTV] *spoiler* Fucking Tea gave Tony the clap and he gave it to Chelle. I was like "Tone whut.the.fuck we're supposed to get married" And Chelle was all crying at the end and it was just so depressing. ugggh.
It's getting reallly hard for me to express how I feel. I just .. I don't know how I feel or how to get it out. I don't know what's going on. This fucking sucks. It makes me want to start cutting again. 213 days since I last cut myself. Proud of that. But it's so damn hard. It's like quitting smoking. Which is what the guy I like and I were talking about today.
I got in a fight with a twelve year old today. A fucking facebook fight. She drew a picture of a hand and arm and the wrist had cuts and it said "emo is ohkay but it has its limits" or some bulllshit like that. I got so pissed. I hate  labels. They're complete bullll. And if you cut, that doesn't make you emo. You should see me. No bit of "emo" on me. And just because you wanna look emo doesn't mean that you cut yourself. I told her that a lot of people cut themselves because they probably have a mental illness. She told me "no it's because they're depressed" Depression is a fucking mental illness. DUMBASS.
My dad made cookies for the first time today. He's 50. He put the whole batch on one pan and make 10 giant cookies. They all got stuck together. He told me "I didn't know that they were going to blow up like that" Haha.

Progresssssing

Ohkay. So, my history test was postponed to Monday [thank God for snow] and we didn't have to do anything for gym class and my friend in that class is coming back to school. Yays! I got 92 on my English midterm, which I'm so happy about. I do shitty on most classwork in there but I test amazingly.
I'm trying to stay positive. I'm feeling pretty good right now because I didn't eat that much today. If I don't eat a lot then I feel great. So, I just have to stick to under 1000 calories a day and I'll be fine. Plus exercising boosts my attitude about things. Feeling good. Going to finish up some homework and study for exams tomorrow and force some food down to please my mom.
<3 Stay Beautiful

I'm Going to Fail

I'm going to fail.
I'm going to fail gym

because I can't do 60 pushups in 60 seconds. I can do like 3. Maybe. Sorry that I'm not a fucking jock. I try to do pushups and fall on my face. On the gym floor. I cannot support my own body. I have zero muscles. I shouldn't have to do this; I'm not obese..

I'm going to fail APUSH.

because I can't remember anything I read and he doesn't teach us. Yeah, I suck at history and probablly shouldn't have taken this class. God it's killing me. I'm going to fail. Huge test tomorrow and I'm going to fail.

I'm going to fail English.

because I can't read. Like I said before, if I read, I just can't remember anything. So I just stopped reading. And I keep getting so depressed that I just don't write the papers that I need to and then he yells at me and then I almost start crying.

I'm going to fail life.

because all my friends hate me except my friend who is in love with me and I missed my period again and I'm so fat and ugly and over ate today because I was all like "be normal" and now I want to die and I just don't see the point in living anymore.

It hurts too much to live ..

this is so hard

i have no one.
i officially have no one.
and it's so hard to deal with.

i have no one that i can talk to about anything. and it is eating me up inside. all of my friends have turned on me. my best friend doesn't want to talk to me because i don't want to date him. he asked me "how could you have sex with me when you don't even like me?" it was like a smack in the face. it was like he was basically saying "oh hey, you're a slutt" and of course he had to pick the day that i really needed to tell him something. tell him what's been eating me alive. but now i can't. it's too hard. no one will know. i'll just let it tear me to bits.

i need to weigh myself. today my mom made me eat because my jeans actually fell off of me today ..

you make my life suck

so, this is just basically me needing to get this out because i feel like i can't tell anyone in real life ..
my best friend and i have been hooking up lately. and usually just fooling around. we had sex twice, but idk. just like short sex? because he didn't have a condom. but yesterday. well yesterday i was at his house, because i just did NOT want to be home. so we were hanging out, and then we were fooling around and we decided to have sex. so, we started doing it. and at first, it was great.
but then i kept thinking about my ex. about how the last time i had had sex with him, i didn't want to. the last time i had sex with my ex i told him to stop. but he wouldn't. and i cried while he kept going. until he was done. and he left. he left me there.
all i could think about was my ex. so i told my friend to stop. he did. then i started crying. i was bawling my eyes out. i pulled my pants and and just curled up in a ball and cried. he didn't know what to do. he just kept saying that he was sorry.
i had told him before we started fooling around "the next time i have sex, i'm going to break down and cry" and i did. i just felt like i was being taken advantage of. being used. i couldn't do it. and i don't know if i ever will be.
i don't know what to do ..

you looked beautiful yesterday

words of my mother.
i was really happy that she said this. i mean she tells me all the time that i am, but this time i can tell that she was sincere.
"you did that on purpose, didn't you?" she asked.
well duh mom. i saw my ex yesterday. of course i wanted to look nice. just so i could rub it in his face like "ha! i'm so much better off without you!" my mom even said "look what he's missing out on" i just feel .. amazing.
"we don't get mad, we get even"
true that mom. <3

exboyfriend update

so today i saw my ex.
he hasn't changed a bit.
and, idk, but like ... i kinda wanted him back. and i'm not sure why. maybe it just reminded me of what things were like before we started dating. we could talk. we could have fun.
he still remembers everything about me. he remembers everything i told him. he remembers everything we did together.
he can drive now. he hasn't worked the past 2 weeks. he has no money. i don't think he has a new girlfriend yet. i hope not. that would just hurt way to much. for him to have a new girlfriend before i got a new boyfriend.
i don't think i could see him again. at least not for a while. because i know that i would want to date him again. i just have to keep reminding myself of all the pain he put me through. it hurt so much.
i only ate 350 cals today. i feel great. (: i still have homework to do.
first is a bio lab packet. then a guided notes packet. and then reading for history. and i might have some questions to do as well. i'm going to do the lab packet and then fold laundry and then do the rest. i also have a paper to write that was due friday, but i might just take a zero ..
blah sorry for that. i need to write my schedule down or i won't follow it. :p imma mess. <3
much love,
rebecca

ex marks the spot ..

so. today. i have to see my exboyfriend. the one i dated for a year and a half. the one i loved. the one i lost my virginity to when i was fourteen. the one who fucking ruined my whole life because he is suck and asshole. yeah. that one.
it's going to be really hard. i haven't seen him since the day before we broke up. july 31. my dad's birthday party. but. now i have to see him.
i knew that this was going to happen sometime or other. i just didn't think that it would be this soon. we've only been broken up 5 months and like a week. this is gunna be hard.
i'm actually afraid. i'm afraid that he's going to hurt me. physically. but, he won't. my family will be there. his family will be there.
well, we'll see.

let's just cry

i want to cry. i want to cry. i want to cry.
i hate my life. it fucking sucks. and now my favorite pair of jeans are officially destroyed. and i'm fat. and i'm ugly. and no one ever notices how fucking miserable i am. it just gets pushed aside as "oh it's her TOM" uhm, i'm pretty sure i'm not on the rag 24/7 ..
like. i just wish i was better. i wish i had more confidence. and self esteem. i wish that i stood out more, in a good way. i wish that i could be good enough for my parents. but as my old english teacher would always say "good enough is NOT ACCEPTABLE" she wanted perfection. and so do my parents. and i'm trying, but it's too much. i can't do it. i can't do my APBio packet. i can't write my Honors English essay on the Scarlet Letter and The Red Badge of Courage. I just can't. and they don't get that. they don't get that i just can't do it.
my mom just came in.
"do you need a hug? are you talking to jon? do you want to see him?"
"no. i don't." why would you want me to see the guy who like fucking abused me?
"do you need to feel loved?" sits on my bed.
"no i need to die." completely serious.
"no you don't." in an angry voice.
leaves.
i wish i could leave. just runway and never come back. maybe runway to die. jump off a bridge into moving traffic. idk. sorry this post is so depressing. i just .. don't wanna live anymore.

not too bad

right now, i'm not feeling too bad. of course i'm sticky with sweat, my nose is running, my fingers are numb, and my throat is burning, but i actually got all of the work i had to do done! yay for me. i ate lunch today though so i'm definately going to get really huge really soon, which totally sucks. but i get to spend the rest of the day relax and fixing that dumbass project that ms. cuntencourt won't accept. beetch.
i really want to do a nice face mask. like sugar, honey, and lime i think it is? i love face masks. and i'll relax and take a long shower. and do my hair so i look nice tomorrow. i always feel better when i look nice. and smell nice. so, imagine this great attitude mixed with a pretty face and straight shiny hair! :O
so i bought the sims 3 the other day and it won't work on my laptop and that makes me really sad because i spent $40 on it and it won't even work because my laptop is too ancient to support the graphics.
i wish i was smaller. like just. tiny. really skinny. shortish. small hands. small feet. delicate. fragile. like a flower.

miss cunt face

i have a teacher,
her name is
miss.cunt.face.
as you can probably imagine
she is a
C-U-Next Tuesday

So yeah spent endless amounts of time on this fucking huge project with my friends that we kept telling her that we didnt get. and i get this email telling me that we did it wrong and we'll probably just pass, but that's just barely. well, fuck you. i spent so much fucking time on that. i just wanna kill you. go fucking die. i don't even care if the school sees this or the police and they lock me up in a straight jacket forever. cuz the chick makes me suicidal. like. duh fuck. i hate her.
and she's like 24. and works as a bartender. and wears her stripper heels to school. and makes fun of my friend who is have really low self esteem. and is an overall cunt. she makes me hate my life. like when i'm around her, i just want to die. fucking precalc, i get it. mostly. but she makes me want to die. she really does. it is a health risk being around her. like.
fuck. her. now.
hard.
in the ass.
with a shovel.
please.
<3

tomorrow is quick like you-know-who

so, i should be working on this bio lab that was actually do today but i gave up on it because while i was doing it i started crying. D: so now i'm just playing frontierville on facebook and writing this. i'm thinking about my plan for tomorrow. i'm thinking of getting up early? but probs not since i still have that lab to do. and a packet. and readding. and 10 mc. like fml. ohkay. so i made this so that i can make my plans, and then see what i actually followed. so..

1. bring a diet coke to school and drink it at lunch instead of in the morning. save lunch money.
2. don't buy lunch. or else.
3. after school, only have liquids. juice is ohkay since like only 200 cals of it is left and it's good for my cold.
4. do the gn16. or well finish them.
5. fold the laundry thats in the bucket and put it away.
6. do other work (precalc and apush)
7. clean up other laundry and put away.
8. face mask?
9. do hair nice?

we'll see what goes down. uhm, i'm getting mighty tired now so i guess i'll write more tomorrow? kayybuhbye! <3