this is so hard

i have no one.
i officially have no one.
and it's so hard to deal with.

i have no one that i can talk to about anything. and it is eating me up inside. all of my friends have turned on me. my best friend doesn't want to talk to me because i don't want to date him. he asked me "how could you have sex with me when you don't even like me?" it was like a smack in the face. it was like he was basically saying "oh hey, you're a slutt" and of course he had to pick the day that i really needed to tell him something. tell him what's been eating me alive. but now i can't. it's too hard. no one will know. i'll just let it tear me to bits.

i need to weigh myself. today my mom made me eat because my jeans actually fell off of me today ..

you make my life suck

so, this is just basically me needing to get this out because i feel like i can't tell anyone in real life ..
my best friend and i have been hooking up lately. and usually just fooling around. we had sex twice, but idk. just like short sex? because he didn't have a condom. but yesterday. well yesterday i was at his house, because i just did NOT want to be home. so we were hanging out, and then we were fooling around and we decided to have sex. so, we started doing it. and at first, it was great.
but then i kept thinking about my ex. about how the last time i had had sex with him, i didn't want to. the last time i had sex with my ex i told him to stop. but he wouldn't. and i cried while he kept going. until he was done. and he left. he left me there.
all i could think about was my ex. so i told my friend to stop. he did. then i started crying. i was bawling my eyes out. i pulled my pants and and just curled up in a ball and cried. he didn't know what to do. he just kept saying that he was sorry.
i had told him before we started fooling around "the next time i have sex, i'm going to break down and cry" and i did. i just felt like i was being taken advantage of. being used. i couldn't do it. and i don't know if i ever will be.
i don't know what to do ..

you looked beautiful yesterday

words of my mother.
i was really happy that she said this. i mean she tells me all the time that i am, but this time i can tell that she was sincere.
"you did that on purpose, didn't you?" she asked.
well duh mom. i saw my ex yesterday. of course i wanted to look nice. just so i could rub it in his face like "ha! i'm so much better off without you!" my mom even said "look what he's missing out on" i just feel .. amazing.
"we don't get mad, we get even"
true that mom. <3

exboyfriend update

so today i saw my ex.
he hasn't changed a bit.
and, idk, but like ... i kinda wanted him back. and i'm not sure why. maybe it just reminded me of what things were like before we started dating. we could talk. we could have fun.
he still remembers everything about me. he remembers everything i told him. he remembers everything we did together.
he can drive now. he hasn't worked the past 2 weeks. he has no money. i don't think he has a new girlfriend yet. i hope not. that would just hurt way to much. for him to have a new girlfriend before i got a new boyfriend.
i don't think i could see him again. at least not for a while. because i know that i would want to date him again. i just have to keep reminding myself of all the pain he put me through. it hurt so much.
i only ate 350 cals today. i feel great. (: i still have homework to do.
first is a bio lab packet. then a guided notes packet. and then reading for history. and i might have some questions to do as well. i'm going to do the lab packet and then fold laundry and then do the rest. i also have a paper to write that was due friday, but i might just take a zero ..
blah sorry for that. i need to write my schedule down or i won't follow it. :p imma mess. <3
much love,
rebecca

ex marks the spot ..

so. today. i have to see my exboyfriend. the one i dated for a year and a half. the one i loved. the one i lost my virginity to when i was fourteen. the one who fucking ruined my whole life because he is suck and asshole. yeah. that one.
it's going to be really hard. i haven't seen him since the day before we broke up. july 31. my dad's birthday party. but. now i have to see him.
i knew that this was going to happen sometime or other. i just didn't think that it would be this soon. we've only been broken up 5 months and like a week. this is gunna be hard.
i'm actually afraid. i'm afraid that he's going to hurt me. physically. but, he won't. my family will be there. his family will be there.
well, we'll see.

let's just cry

i want to cry. i want to cry. i want to cry.
i hate my life. it fucking sucks. and now my favorite pair of jeans are officially destroyed. and i'm fat. and i'm ugly. and no one ever notices how fucking miserable i am. it just gets pushed aside as "oh it's her TOM" uhm, i'm pretty sure i'm not on the rag 24/7 ..
like. i just wish i was better. i wish i had more confidence. and self esteem. i wish that i stood out more, in a good way. i wish that i could be good enough for my parents. but as my old english teacher would always say "good enough is NOT ACCEPTABLE" she wanted perfection. and so do my parents. and i'm trying, but it's too much. i can't do it. i can't do my APBio packet. i can't write my Honors English essay on the Scarlet Letter and The Red Badge of Courage. I just can't. and they don't get that. they don't get that i just can't do it.
my mom just came in.
"do you need a hug? are you talking to jon? do you want to see him?"
"no. i don't." why would you want me to see the guy who like fucking abused me?
"do you need to feel loved?" sits on my bed.
"no i need to die." completely serious.
"no you don't." in an angry voice.
leaves.
i wish i could leave. just runway and never come back. maybe runway to die. jump off a bridge into moving traffic. idk. sorry this post is so depressing. i just .. don't wanna live anymore.

not too bad

right now, i'm not feeling too bad. of course i'm sticky with sweat, my nose is running, my fingers are numb, and my throat is burning, but i actually got all of the work i had to do done! yay for me. i ate lunch today though so i'm definately going to get really huge really soon, which totally sucks. but i get to spend the rest of the day relax and fixing that dumbass project that ms. cuntencourt won't accept. beetch.
i really want to do a nice face mask. like sugar, honey, and lime i think it is? i love face masks. and i'll relax and take a long shower. and do my hair so i look nice tomorrow. i always feel better when i look nice. and smell nice. so, imagine this great attitude mixed with a pretty face and straight shiny hair! :O
so i bought the sims 3 the other day and it won't work on my laptop and that makes me really sad because i spent $40 on it and it won't even work because my laptop is too ancient to support the graphics.
i wish i was smaller. like just. tiny. really skinny. shortish. small hands. small feet. delicate. fragile. like a flower.

miss cunt face

i have a teacher,
her name is
miss.cunt.face.
as you can probably imagine
she is a
C-U-Next Tuesday

So yeah spent endless amounts of time on this fucking huge project with my friends that we kept telling her that we didnt get. and i get this email telling me that we did it wrong and we'll probably just pass, but that's just barely. well, fuck you. i spent so much fucking time on that. i just wanna kill you. go fucking die. i don't even care if the school sees this or the police and they lock me up in a straight jacket forever. cuz the chick makes me suicidal. like. duh fuck. i hate her.
and she's like 24. and works as a bartender. and wears her stripper heels to school. and makes fun of my friend who is have really low self esteem. and is an overall cunt. she makes me hate my life. like when i'm around her, i just want to die. fucking precalc, i get it. mostly. but she makes me want to die. she really does. it is a health risk being around her. like.
fuck. her. now.
hard.
in the ass.
with a shovel.
please.
<3

tomorrow is quick like you-know-who

so, i should be working on this bio lab that was actually do today but i gave up on it because while i was doing it i started crying. D: so now i'm just playing frontierville on facebook and writing this. i'm thinking about my plan for tomorrow. i'm thinking of getting up early? but probs not since i still have that lab to do. and a packet. and readding. and 10 mc. like fml. ohkay. so i made this so that i can make my plans, and then see what i actually followed. so..

1. bring a diet coke to school and drink it at lunch instead of in the morning. save lunch money.
2. don't buy lunch. or else.
3. after school, only have liquids. juice is ohkay since like only 200 cals of it is left and it's good for my cold.
4. do the gn16. or well finish them.
5. fold the laundry thats in the bucket and put it away.
6. do other work (precalc and apush)
7. clean up other laundry and put away.
8. face mask?
9. do hair nice?

we'll see what goes down. uhm, i'm getting mighty tired now so i guess i'll write more tomorrow? kayybuhbye! <3