EffEmmmElll

i should write .. i know that  i should. but all i want to do is cry. i took 4 tylenol pm and still cant sleep. i want to die. i feel like i have no one. like i really do. my life is bullshit. seriously .. dont read this. because its just me complaing about my life. i'm a whining little bitch. i'm so fat. i've never weighed this much in my life. UGH FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE KIDDD.

Dream From Last Night

     Ahhh. I keep dreaming about E even though he's a douchebagel.
     Last night I had a dream about being in school. I was in my AP Bio class. We were in a weird room in my school. It wasn't any room that actually existed. It started that I was talking to my teacher. I don't remember what about. Then I started freaking out. Today, April 18th, I'm supposed to see if I can hang out with one of my friends and then my aunt is picking me up at 11AM. In my dream, I was freaking out. I was like "How is Auntie gunna pick me up? I'm in school!" Then I was like "I forgot to hangout with J! It's too late now!" Throughout the dream, I kept checking the time; I'm not sure why. I ended up realizing that I'm on spring break, so I shouldn't be in school. Then I just figured I was dreaming and I'd wake up any minute..
     Now to the meat of the dream. So, in my Bio class we were supposed to be making posters of things that we know about different subjects. [We never do that in that class] I really just didn't want to do it. My teacher offered me some candy and colorful cereal, so instead I ate that. I ended up sitting next to E. He was actually doing his work. He was trying to tell me about how he had done something really great. However, this is when I realized that Auntie was supposed to come get me and I started freaking out and he thought that I didn't appreciate what he had done or something. I felt embarrassed for not listening and I walked away. I decided to follow my friend, M, as she did her work. We walked around to the other posters. Some random chick walked into the room and asked if she could have some cereal, but I wouldn't let her. Then I bumped into E again. He ran up to me and gave me a huge hug and I felt so damn happy and it  was wonderful. <3 Then I woke up.

Good vs. Evil

     The other day I was asked a question. “Is there a need for both good and evil?” A lot of people said no. They thought that there was only a need for good. At first, I thought the same thing. I mean, who really wants bad things in their life? Not me. But after giving the question some thought, and discussing it with one of my colleagues, I had a different view. I realized something. How can you have a world full of good if there is not evil to compare it to? A complete world of good would have its range of goodness from Very Good to Just Alright. Eventually they would transform into their own scale of good and evil. These people who want a world full of only good are working towards something unachievable. I’m not saying that their work is pointless; the world can always be improved. I have learned that there will always be bad times in life, and rather than run and hide from them, I’d like to accept them and not let them get to me. I just have to know that if evil lurks, then surely goodness does too.

Balance?

     So, I've decided something. I'm going to start to take my life day by day. Everyone always tells me to make goals and to plan ahead. Look where that has gotten me. The future really scares me. I'm not ready for it. Every time I think about my future, I break down. I think that the best thing for me right now is to just live for today. I'm not exactly living for the moment, because that leads to recklessness. All of this is one giant effort for me to find true happiness. I'm trying to find balance.

What Now Bitch?

     I just want to laugh, really. You thought you could play me? You thought you could trick me? Dearie, I'd actually have to give a fuckk for that to work. Normally you'd expect tears. But you can't break a heart that's already broken. I never loved you, so your scheme didn't really work. I just feel bad for the other girl .. because she does love you.
     Never fucking lie to me again ..