let's just cry

i want to cry. i want to cry. i want to cry.
i hate my life. it fucking sucks. and now my favorite pair of jeans are officially destroyed. and i'm fat. and i'm ugly. and no one ever notices how fucking miserable i am. it just gets pushed aside as "oh it's her TOM" uhm, i'm pretty sure i'm not on the rag 24/7 ..
like. i just wish i was better. i wish i had more confidence. and self esteem. i wish that i stood out more, in a good way. i wish that i could be good enough for my parents. but as my old english teacher would always say "good enough is NOT ACCEPTABLE" she wanted perfection. and so do my parents. and i'm trying, but it's too much. i can't do it. i can't do my APBio packet. i can't write my Honors English essay on the Scarlet Letter and The Red Badge of Courage. I just can't. and they don't get that. they don't get that i just can't do it.
my mom just came in.
"do you need a hug? are you talking to jon? do you want to see him?"
"no. i don't." why would you want me to see the guy who like fucking abused me?
"do you need to feel loved?" sits on my bed.
"no i need to die." completely serious.
"no you don't." in an angry voice.
leaves.
i wish i could leave. just runway and never come back. maybe runway to die. jump off a bridge into moving traffic. idk. sorry this post is so depressing. i just .. don't wanna live anymore.